rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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