dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
