i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
