My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
