I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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