Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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