Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
