Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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