Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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