Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize