Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
