I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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