how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
