Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
