Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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