I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity