Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
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My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
50% drunk capacity currently
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?