One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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