You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
