What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
