You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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