Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
