i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
