make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
