Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
