Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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