I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
