I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
