I got chris browned last night
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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