I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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