theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I stole a fireplace last night.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
