It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
home. puking in laundry basket.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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