No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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