i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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