R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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