I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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