sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
