She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
