I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im six kinds of drunk right now
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
