Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
