I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you told grandpa to call you daddy
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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