Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
