dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
