i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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