three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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