She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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