Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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