She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
