the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
