Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
