It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
