I met the friendliest cop last night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
