My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
