Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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