my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
