Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
