I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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