you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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