I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize