Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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