i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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